Monday, May 23, 2011

Wrecking Havoc

For two months now I have been on the upside of this stupid Bi Polar thing-a-ma-jiggy. I am totally Manic. My thoughts are almost lightning speed, and there are thousands of them flooding my brain all at once. Ideas, all of them scrambled, fragmented, coded, overwhelming. I cannot seem to keep up. My heart keeps beating and I feel like the Energizer Bunny...I keep going and going and going. So much energy yet I am exhausted.

Although I am on the upside, my moods are still shifting, constantly in flux, often mixed and jumbled. The darkness seems to be taking a break for a while working on it's plan of attack, squeezing in push-up here and there.

My level of creativity and productiveness are in full swing, but due to current circumstances, I have both limited room and time to fully extend my wings. I still have yet to see what my wings even look like and I am more than eager to find out. This is so frustrating.

It feels quite refreshing to be more in the moment, finding the little things that really tickle my fancy, being able to create some moments to take it all in. So what does Mania feel like, really?

For me these days sometimes Mania feels like tiny little heart attacks.  It is incredibly intense and difficult to describe. The bursts of energy are almost cocaine-and-coffee-like, except I don't do blow or drink caffeine, not even soda. I feel nervous, excited, irritable, closed in, creative, motivated, focused, sometimes horny, both  energetic and exhausted, restless, impatient, on-the-go, organized, impulsive, overwhelmed. Everything is moving really fast. On top of all of this, I am having difficulty eating and my dreams have been insanely intense.