Monday, May 23, 2011

Wrecking Havoc

For two months now I have been on the upside of this stupid Bi Polar thing-a-ma-jiggy. I am totally Manic. My thoughts are almost lightning speed, and there are thousands of them flooding my brain all at once. Ideas, all of them scrambled, fragmented, coded, overwhelming. I cannot seem to keep up. My heart keeps beating and I feel like the Energizer Bunny...I keep going and going and going. So much energy yet I am exhausted.

Although I am on the upside, my moods are still shifting, constantly in flux, often mixed and jumbled. The darkness seems to be taking a break for a while working on it's plan of attack, squeezing in push-up here and there.

My level of creativity and productiveness are in full swing, but due to current circumstances, I have both limited room and time to fully extend my wings. I still have yet to see what my wings even look like and I am more than eager to find out. This is so frustrating.

It feels quite refreshing to be more in the moment, finding the little things that really tickle my fancy, being able to create some moments to take it all in. So what does Mania feel like, really?

For me these days sometimes Mania feels like tiny little heart attacks.  It is incredibly intense and difficult to describe. The bursts of energy are almost cocaine-and-coffee-like, except I don't do blow or drink caffeine, not even soda. I feel nervous, excited, irritable, closed in, creative, motivated, focused, sometimes horny, both  energetic and exhausted, restless, impatient, on-the-go, organized, impulsive, overwhelmed. Everything is moving really fast. On top of all of this, I am having difficulty eating and my dreams have been insanely intense.

This is most definitely a more watered down version of 'Mania' that I have ever known. No spending sprees, one night stands, or any other impulsive, wreck-less, destructive behavior running a muck or wrecking havoc. At this point it is much more manageable. When I first began to experience extreme mood swings, I had no knowledge of what was really happening, or that it even had a name. I chalked it up to just being 'crazy'. Knowledge is power, I am convinced of that.   

Although most everyone has felt these various states of life, it is the level of intensity and my ability to recover from them which makes living a somewhat 'normal' life seem almost impossible. Imagine feeling completely ecstatic one moment, and then suddenly you plummet into a pit of utter despair. Imagine this happening while at work, or anywhere in public where a first impression can make or break you, and there is little you can do but run somewhere and cry. It can be quite an unpredictable mess.

I would much prefer Mania over depression any day even though Mania too can be quite nerve-wrecking. If I get too 'High' it can be quite destructive and dangerous.  I have not reached my peak as of yet. I am fighting for balance between the intense extremes.  

One in 5 people living with Bi-Polar commit suicide. WTF? I refuse to be just another statistic. There are some doctors who have told me that I am a 'Walking Time Bomb' because I have refused traditional treatment. I was told that it's just a matter of time before I end up back on the psych ward. Each day that I go on living my life I prove them wrong.

Some doctors have looked at me in disbelief when I mention to them that I challenge Bi-polar through my practice of Nichiren Buddhism, eating right, exercise, Homeopathic Medicine, and Acupuncture. They simply say that there is no proof that it works. They have refused to see the proof right in front of them. Me. They refuse to see that I fight harder than any broke down patient they've ever known.

Today I had an Acupuncture treatment which should help bring me closer to a much needed balance of energy. At this very moment, I am feeling okay. I would like this to last a while longer. I feel like I have the strength to really be present in my life. Today there is some relief from Hell, from all the darkness. 

All of these changes of really intense moods can be extremely difficult, trying the patience of those who truly love me. People seem to like being around me most when I am Manic. I don't blame them. I enjoy the creative bursts of energy. My level of productivity soars through the roof. Sometimes I feel convinced that I can even build my own roof, however; if you see me with a ladder, saw, and some lumber, you know I have totally gone over the deep end!

For now, I am going to run with it, enjoy it, embrace it while I can. Tomorrow, it just might be all gone. The roller coaster can crash at any time.

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