Monday, April 4, 2011

Growing up, I had this dream of becoming a Rock Star, a Writer, and an extraordinary creative Artist. Never has this dream ever included a hectic life of fame, just simply one of balance: success doing what I love, spirituality, and happiness.
Today, I am on the brink of turning 35. I share my life with my beautiful daughter, 'Twiggy'. She is extremely funny, artistic, creative, imaginative, and a total fashionista! Her alter-ego is extremely strong willed, sometimes very difficult, and totally sassy! She is a six year old, rebellious, mini me. Her obsession with Lady Gaga is very similar to my obsession with Madonna when I was her age, it's mind-blowing.

Making the decision to pursue a career in music was indeed a tough one. It has left me extremely heart-broken, often torn between the music world and the 'Good Parent'one. In a nutshell, it is an incredibly nasty and seriously demanding business. Balancing motherhood and a musical career while maintaining some type of job in the 'working class world' has kicked my ass up down left right and frelling sideways, no doubt about it. The heat is on and my ass is totally on fire! I am not getting any younger. I have decided to put plan B into action. I am totally scared.

Does being a parent mean that my life is over? Not necessarily. It just means that my life has drastically changed. I grapple so much with accepting this new life every day, this constant struggle to create balance. I strive to be a dedicated, strict yet so loving mother in a world that I often find so strange, and struggle to live in. I struggle to find success as an artist.

Since the arrival of Twiggy, my life has changed, for the better I am sure. She is watching my every move, listening to every word, and learning from my life. Life is constantly in flux. All I can do is keep it moving. I can't let Twiggy see me sweat. I can't let her down. 

I must admit that I completely suck at surviving in the traditional working world, being a part of the 'Rat Race'. I must also admit that being a 'starving Artist' totally sucks too, but at least I am following my heart, at least I am being true to my nature. For now, we are okay. One day, we will be more than okay. 

This journey has left me to rediscover who I am, and how I can manifest my dreams. I often ask myself just what makes 'Araena' tick? Sometimes, I am not exactly sure what my dreams are these days or if the dreams I had growing up are even realistic. Sometimes I don't know who I am, how I want to evolve, or what I want to become. There are even days when I have too many options and I just simply can't decide. Music, Art, Writing, Mom, Art, Writing, Music, Mom. I just know that Art touches my soul in ways words cannot describe. Art is like drugs, I just gotta have it! I have to at least fight and try.I am glad that I at least have them...dreams, and Twiggy to constantly remind me of why I am fighting for them.
Sometimes I catch Twiggy singing one of the songs that I wrote and it just melts my heart! In the end, I just want her to have a mother she is always proud of. In the end, I want her to grow up to be a pretty magnificent person...a better person than me.

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