Interview with Twiggy

This is the latest interview with my daughter Twiggy.  She has been quite fascinated with my little pocket hand held tape recorder lately. This is how the interview went:

 

Me:    What’s your name?

Twiggy:    Twiggy

Me:    And what’s your favorite color?

Twiggy:    Pink and purple

Me:    how old are you?

Twiggy:    Six …in a month

Me:   (laughs) You’re not six in a month, you just turned six! When’s your birthday?

Twiggy:     March 13^th

Me:    What’s your zodiac sign? (I whisper to her ‘Pisces’)

Twiggy:    Pisces!

Me:    What kind of music do you like to listen to? Name some groups.

Twiggy:    Rock!

Me:    What kind of rock?

Twiggy:    Joan Jett, Lady Gaga

Me:    Lady Gaga is Pop

Twiggy:    So! (smiles)

Me:    Name some Rock

Twiggy:    Joan Jett, The Clash

Me:    Good one! They’re Punk Rock!  What else?

Twiggy:    David Funk! (giggles)

Me:    David Funk? (more silly giggles)  David who?

Twiggy:    David Punk! 

Me:    David Punk? Wrong answer! (we are really giggling now!)

Twiggy:    My favorite Barbie movie is Barbie Diary. Are you recording? I wanna hear it!

Me:    What other kinds of music do you like?  You mentioned Lady GaGa, she’s very cool.

Twiggy:  I like Pop…

Me:    You like a lot of cool stuff

Twiggy:    What about Daft Punk?

Me:    Daft punk is very cool!    And what kind of movies do you like to watch?

Twiggy:    I like Barbie!  I like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse!

Me:    That’s a really cool show! What kind of movies do you like?

Twiggy:    Diary of a Wimpy kid

Me:   That was good …it was really funny!

Twiggy:    Yeah, it was so funny.  The girl sat on his head!  That was the funny part!  (giggles)  The girl beat him up in Kindergarten! And my favorite Barbie is Mariposa.

Me: What kinds of things do you like to do besides play with Barbie?

Twiggy:  I like games! Candy Land, Catch the Mouse, and uhhhh… I like baking.

Me:    What do you like to bake?

Twiggy:    Make it Bake it!

Me:  Make it Bake it is fun!

Twiggy:   Can we do Make it Bake it for Family night tonight?

INSANIA MANIA

copyright 2010

Loveliness fleeting

Far and few between the beats

Of warm hearts gone mad

Melt in the Abyss

Lovely sounds come to possess

From far away depths

Yeah, it's just that deep!

Loveliness skipping the streets

Don't mess with my head

Not everlasting

Contagiously wild by fire

Warm hearts stop beating

Wrecking Havoc

For two months now I have been on the upside of this stupid Bi Polar thing-a-ma-jiggy. I am totally Manic. My thoughts are almost lightning speed, and there are thousands of them flooding my brain all at once. Ideas, all of them scrambled, fragmented, coded, overwhelming. I cannot seem to keep up. My heart keeps beating and I feel like the Energizer Bunny...I keep going and going and going. So much energy yet I am exhausted.

Although I am on the upside, my moods are still shifting, constantly in flux, often mixed and jumbled. The darkness seems to be taking a break for a while working on it's plan of attack, squeezing in push-up here and there.

My level of creativity and productiveness are in full swing, but due to current circumstances, I have both limited room and time to fully extend my wings. I still have yet to see what my wings even look like and I am more than eager to find out. This is so frustrating.

It feels quite refreshing to be more in the moment, finding the little things that really tickle my fancy, being able to create some moments to take it all in. So what does Mania feel like, really?

For me these days sometimes Mania feels like tiny little heart attacks.  It is incredibly intense and difficult to describe. The bursts of energy are almost cocaine-and-coffee-like, except I don't do blow or drink caffeine, not even soda. I feel nervous, excited, irritable, closed in, creative, motivated, focused, sometimes horny, both  energetic and exhausted, restless, impatient, on-the-go, organized, impulsive, overwhelmed. Everything is moving really fast. On top of all of this, I am having difficulty eating and my dreams have been insanely intense.

Guts

I can't believe it has been almost five years since my last stay in a psychiatric hospital. Since then, the periodic whirlwinds of self destructive Bi Polar madness have continued to try and break me, yet somehow after slipping on my own guts, I have always managed to stuff them back in and sew myself up each and every time. I don't need my shrink to help sew me up, but it's nice that she keeps a first aid kit handy when she notices that I am dragging my guts on the floor!

A couple of questions I am frequently asked by various people are how have I been able to stay out of the hospital without traditional pharmaceutical treatments and medication, and why am I so against them?

The questions I brood upon even more frequently are how can I use something so paradoxical, and sometimes deadly to bring beauty, and hope into this world, or better yet in my own living room?  How can I  touch the hearts of many, or maybe even just one? I even wonder how am I going to be able to accomplish something that seems far-fetched and impossible? How can I beat this? Most importantly, do I believe that I can?
 
Then there are questions that not only seem to strike a nerve but jolts and singes them as well, leaving a scent like crisp burnt hair. Let's keep it real. How can someone as 'crazy' as I am raise a child to become a magnificent, capable person, someone better than me? I often wonder how am I ever going to pull this off? Can I help her see beyond Barbie? Can I seriously teach her to curb her own brand of 'Crazies'.

Twiggy is depending on me, her mother, to show her how to live and tap into her own happiness on this stupid-fucking-ball-of-dookie. How can someone like me possibly make a difference in her life? In any ones life? There is no doubt in my mind that I am absolutely, positively sure that I am crazy enough to try. The pressure is on like a ton of lead elephants.
  

My Darkside

araena copyright 2009

Why suddenly now, in bitterness I divide

Painted thoughts in black coincide

I used to be an angel, but now I’m just mystified

Duality will split and multiply

So many things, furlough the tragedies

Tickle me in a pink reality

Temptation gets the best of me, and a life of agony

Misery is the best company

Tiny Wolf Twiggy

Today it is raining. The sky looks like an ashtray. I feel like an ashtray. Grey, murky, lost. Today I grapple with acceptance, self-doubt, regret, and wreckage of the past. They all lie in rusty heaps piled way up high. You can find them in a junkyard in some nook in my brain. Beware of the guard dogs, they eat people for snack food.

In 2005 I signed (spiritually of course) a very sacred maternal contract which has changed my life forever. Today, I am exhausted, wondering what my life would be like if only I had just waited a little while longer to introduce Twiggy to the world. I signed a contract not really giving much thought about what it truly takes to raise a child into a magnificent human being. I signed it not realizing just what exactly I was committing to. I totally failed to read the fine print.

Love:  Heals everything

Death: Is a new beginning

Faith: Is brick by brick

Attitude: Can ignite or put out the fire

Enlightenment:  Wakes you up

Spirituality:  Quenches the souls thirst

Peace:  Brings order to chaos

Trust: Helps us let go

Laughter:  Is some seriously powerful medicine!